As I am writing this, all of us are getting used to living in a permanent state of collective shock, which has defined much of our everyday lives as of lately. I am no different to the shock. If you continue to read this , which I hope and thank you for, I want to simply state that this is not intended as a moan of someone who is holding up in her more-or-less privileged bubble while the world around seems to be falling part. And it goes without saying that, like many of us, I am aware of the undoubtedly epic job that health workers, emergency responders and other essential businesses are doing in the eye of the storm of the Covid-19 pandemic. To those, I want to say: thank you.

It’s been almost six years that I embarked on this devoting, beautiful and crazy journey that motherhood is. My mind wanders through these years and many flashbacks appear before my eyes in the form of blissful memories and the low points I fell into while navigating through single parenting. All of them with their fair share of stress, guilt and unquantifiable love that comes with the motherhood package. Some of them, I recall with tenderness. Others with less leniency towards myself. But the imprint of survival is on all of them.

Let me tell you a light-hearted story which comes from a vivid memory of me setting foot on my son’s playschool with a cardboard-made crocodile costume. There I was, pretty impressed with my newly acquired crafting skills. My then two-year-old thought otherwise, judging by his puzzled look, which most likely came from not being able to decipher what animal he was dressed-up as. But there I was, as so were the other mums… who stood at the playschool patio with their respective offsprings sporting their impeccable home-made costumes. Cheaters, I thought. They clearly did not abide by the rules and ignored the strict crafting code. Nobody can achieve that level of expertise making costumes by only using their hands and imagination. Well, it was clear I did not get to that level. And the croc, with its lopsided smile, seem to be mocking me: “Oh, you poor naive thing, did you really think you were going to pull it off with… this?”

But that episode, as the other low points I encountered throughout my journey, are pale in comparison with the “nadirs on repeat ” I have been experiencing in the emotional rollercoaster these past weeks have been, confined with my 5-year-old son in our 50 square metres apartment, juggling my job demands as an advertising executive and being the acting teacher while making sure that the two of us stay safe, sane and well-fed.

Humour will save us

And I thought that being a working single mum was challenging…Now I can say that it is a walk in the park compared to taking calls hidden in the toilet, meeting deadlines, home-schooling, being a pshicologyst, entertainer and the other hats I have to wear on my own during these days in lockdown ( and as I am writing this, it appears that in lockdown we will remain for the foreseeable).

Aligned with the stress and frustration of experiencing again that it is not possible to do it all , are the demons that such level of intensity can release:

My mind plays tricks on me and buzzes with questions and new preocupations: Up to this point, was I being too permissive a mother?; Why does my son seem unmotivated to join his 30-minutes Teams meeting with his teacher and his classmates? Why is he not paying attention to me? Why can’t he stay still for even 15 minutes while practising his calligraphy? Why does his teacher name the same kids over and over again? Is he really happy at his school? Does he suffer from attention-deficit disorder? Why is he acting up like this? Why people seem to have so much time to do arts and crafts at home ( and excel at it while I clearly suck); Am I raising a monster? Is he going to be behind his classmates when this all ends? The list is endless…

Take one day at a time, breath and don’t be hard on jourself, they say. My day-to-day are nowhere near to achieving that level of assertiveness and ease. As with the botched crocodile costume anecdote, I thought I could stay put and managing everything on my own but I seem to keep failing while others seem to be in pretty good nick. Well, grass is always greener on the other side… But I am yet to reach the other side and can only hang in here as you do… But, do you know what? If we get out of this just being more resilient, compassionate and appreciative human beings, we will have passed this test with flying colours. Humour will save us. And we shall not forget to put everything in perspective. While there is life, there is hope.

Photo credit: Pixabay CCL